Friday, December 28, 2012
Next summer I will wear shorts.
I will wear tank tops.
I may even, maybe, wear dresses... If you know me you know this is a big deal for me.
I may even venture out into wearing sandals... I don't really wear them because you can't really see what's going on with my feet when I'm wearing jeans all the time...
Today marks four months until I turn 28.
I've been doing good since the first week of December and have lost 5lbs. This is big for me. Usually the number goes up.
It's not easy. Counting calories... actually taking the time and effort to exercise... to prepare meals... to watch what I eat instead of eating whatever is in front of me without hindrance. I haven't had this kind of discipline in a very, very long time.
I'm going to continue eating better and exercising... and reaching my first goal by my birthday. I will be in a friend's wedding in California the weekend after my birthday (ok, so I'll for sure be wearing a dress then), and visit family nearby after the wedding. I'm not doing this for family or friends or strangers or possible mates. I'm not doing this for anyone else but myself. I need this. She... needs this. Wants it.
OK. Enough of my rabbling on. I'm pulling extra time at the office this weekend and tomorrow's shift starts at 8am. Thank God coffee doesn't have a lot of calories ;)
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
I was driving my car down a highway, and my friend Grace was riding with me. In my center console was something that was like two bottles shaped in a Yin Yang sort of style to fit together. One was black and labeled "Night," the other was silver and labeled "Day". They both absorbed some kind of liquid picked up when the car was running. Grace told me I needed to empty the "Night" bottle, so I picked it up and squeezed the dark, chunky/gunky liquid out the window (still driving! haha!). I was a little worried it might be corrosive if it hit my car, but knew I needed to get it emptied out anyway.
I've exited the car and now I'm walking with a group of people, maybe three or four people, along the highway. Except, I was walking fast (like I do in real life) so I was a little bit ahead of them. Suddenly, a piece of the sky fell. In the moment, I just knew that the sky was falling. Well, the sky looked like concrete and rebar when it hit the ground. It was a little startling, but we kept walking. I could see another portion start to fall and I ran ahead of where it was going to land and it fell behind me, between me and my friends. I laughed and kept going. My friends I think probably thought I was crazy, but we walked on. This happened a few times.
I'm walking into my parents' house with my twin sister. Except it's the house we used to live in when I was a teenager. It was late and my parents were going to bed. Perhaps dad was already asleep since I don't recall seeing him in the dream. My mom was laying in the bed that used to be where I slept. My sister and I were going to share her (my sister's) bed. As we walked in to the bedroom, a bit of sky fell - boom! - right in the middle of the hallway! I was surprised, and apologized for the damage to the house (as if I have any control of where the sky is going to fall??). Mom said "don't worry about it, but be ready - the reporters are going to want to interview us about it." I think I responded with "ok" and proceeded to get ready for bed - it was late, too late for even the late news to be on. I laid down and then realized I wasn't wearing the pajamas I intended on wearing, so I got up to change. Then my alarm went off...
There you go. Sky falling. I kind of want to go see the new James Bond flick because the name is so similar to the theme of my dream!
A car typically points to ministry. Night and Day seemed to be referring to light and darkness, and the drastic difference between the two. My friend Grace was, in this dream, a personification of God's grace, His charis. In a different term, it was loving-kindness/favor instructing me to clean out any resemblance of darkness from my ministry/walk with God.
Friends are the people you have fellowship with. Walking ahead could mean leading, or possibly separated from. My friend Ginny when she read a blip of the dream I'd posted on Facebook said "the constructs of man have fallen and you can enjoy the benefits of an open heaven...." I would tend to agree with her. Over the previous weekend/week I had some experiences that pointed full force toward open heaven/destruction of man-made limits. The destruction of limits wasn't going to destroy me - I was in motion and moving ahead of the destruction of it so it wouldn't hurt me.
I can't share this portion on here just yet...
So. There you have it. The sky is falling. And I can't wait.
That was a pretty rockin awesome dream, too. Felt like a movie but in reality. Ha! Love it :)
Thursday, October 18, 2012
There's a lot more to be done yet - like re-organizing my art supplies that seem to have exploded all over my room. And figuring out how to clean up the mess of a closet that has spewed half it's contents on the floor.
I re-organized my room last spring so I could have floor space, and since that re-organization, I've not had any floor space! At least, not for very long. So this needs to change. Hopefully I can make some more progress on it tomorrow night. Including taking a trip to the Goodwill. Partially to take things and get rid of them, and partially to look for a few new clothes. I realize I have maybe three to five shirts that I wear constantly... Maybe. So, new season, time to go shopping. Also, time to get a haircut... Need to get some shape back in that mess.
Anyway. Enough rambling, it's time for sleep :)
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
Two days away from the end of the month and I think I managed to do three workouts total this whole month.
It's REALLY hard not to get completely discouraged by this.
But I can't let myself go there. I've got to keep pressing on. This month has been HARD. Learning new things. Going through junk. Getting my creativity back. Working some overtime. Waiting on change...
Friends, hold me accountable. I need to avoid fried foods, soda, and sweets like the plague. And I need to make sure I move every day. I am so tired of where I've been physically, but I can't seem to make the changes I need to make on my own.
This means when I go out to eat with you (and when I go out to eat on my own, of course), I won't be eating french fries, burgers, "crunchy shrimp" sushi (this is a favorite), donuts, tempura chicken of any kind, or any other thing that has been deep fried.
This means my portion sizes have to change - drastically. I've said this before but I get discouraged or I get hormonal and it all seems to go down the drain.
It's not that I don't know how to eat healthy or anything like that. It's that I don't have the confidence in my ability to follow through with it... So often I get on a kick for a couple weeks and then there's a month (or two or three) of nothing but bad habits. And it's worse because I know its bad, and then I just hate that I can't get it right.
It's time for sleep. I'm working both Saturday and Sunday, of my own volition, and Monday is a new month... I'll be making another update sometime next week... maybe not on blogger, but definitely on Twitter/Facebook/Instagram - one or all of those, perhaps.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Anyway, I can't wait to see if I can truly get this into my every day routine. It will mean waking up earlier. Not spending so much time on my phone in a numb state of grogginess when I first wake up, but getting my ass out of bed, getting my workout gear on, and going for it.
Even on Monday.
Especially on Monday...
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me... Including this. 30 days. The month of September is going to be pivotal, it's going to be a month of change. It's going to be a month of making this a habit. This workout thing. It's got to be a lifestyle. I am 27 years old, standing in at 5'7" and weigh 215lbs... I'm tired of hating myself and not being comfortable with myself because of my weight. I'm tired of feeling tired all the time. I'm tired of the self-pity. It stops here. Changing life habits is not easy... but I can't go on like I'm going and expect anything to be different. This has to happen. It starts now. Because I know what I am made for and it's not what I am now. Like Kim Clement says, God sees you in the future and you look much better than you look right now. Well, I'm gonna draw my future self into the present... She's eager to be known.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
There's so much going on inside of me right now I could hunker down and shake like the little lemmings of video games gone by and pop into colorful lemming confetti. haha! That's how much stirring there is inside! This transition out of one season into a new season... a season of physical training... of rest... of heart healing... I feel like the first half of this year were months of transition, of things just getting in the right place for the next season, like no one season had precedence earlier this year in my life, and it was this mish-mash of prep. But now I'm in another season of prep. But also learning to enjoy the moments. The now moments. The moments where people come in your life to stay, and other people walk out for good. The moments where you wake to a dream that showed you something different in you than who you were the day before. The moments where God moves so tenderly and preciously on your heart that you can't help but worship, whether that means falling on your face, weeping, laughing, jumping, dancing.... The moments where you're being so silly with friends you crack yourself up... haha! Oh, I love it... :)
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
I've been exercising almost every day this past week. 100 jumping jacks is a favorite (2 sets of 50), criss cross crunches are getting easier, thus enabling me to do more than just one set of 10 or 15 before collapsing :-p pull ups/chin ups are still hilariously uncoordinated, but I'm getting better :) lunges and squats are helping my thighs and calves tone up and thin down. I was able to do 40 push ups the other night (4 sets of 10), which was a MAJOR accomplishment for me! I'm sure they were lacking in form, but they happened, and that's more than I've been able to do since I was a child.
My church is also hosting a kettleball class that starts on Wednesday and I'm planning on attending that and making that part of my workout routine. Can. Not. Wait. :)
In addition to physical health, I'm doing more creative stuff. Hoping to launch my Etsy site soon as I get more pieces put together. It's such a wonderful thing to take time out to be creative.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Tonight I'm having the leftovers of the "leftovers" and it's not half bad. :) Trying to eat what's in the cabinets and freezer, etc. so that a) I'm not wasting a lot of food and b) I have room for fresher stuff.
Anyway. Slightly random thought of the day :)
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Do you realize what you're saying?
Words all look the same,
black and white
splashing in color
highlighted or bold
for good measure
What do you mean with your words?
Your tone, your heart
not so easy to convey
through plastic and light
on a screen
It can be
what you say
is not what was said
not what was heard
by the ears of the eyes
bringing their demise
or their laughter or joy
or pressing ridicule
Guard your heart
guard your heart
Sunday, March 25, 2012
I'm a Christian. I love Jesus. I am NOT boycotting Starbucks.
I disagree with the instant boycotting of Starbucks because they support gay marriage.
The reason I'm not boycotting is because I don't think Jesus would have boycotted. I mean, He hung out with the "sinners" and when he hung out with sinners, he hung out with the bad ones. The tax-collectors were thieves, the woman caught in the very act of adultery was, well, you know... and the Samaritan woman was a) a woman and b) not a full-blooded Jew and thus was someone that people turned their backs on; the disciples were fisherman (I'd love to hear THOSE campfire stories...) and they had some fiery folks amongst their crew (James and John were called Sons of Thunder - I don't think these boys were at all softspoken gents) ...
Jesus loved these people. He loved every one of them. Their lives were changed because of it.
If you wonder why the LGBT community hates Christians so much, it's because all they experience from most of them is judgment and bigotry and hate.
I'm not going to be one of those Christians who judges them and adds to the hate.
Because I have friends in the LGBT community. And I'm not going to do something that is going to slap them in the face with a message that says "I hate you," because I don't!
My heart breaks. My heart breaks because Christians, the very people who Jesus said will be known by their love, are known by their hate instead. And it makes me wonder how "Christian" Christians really are.
Jesus never addressed the sin when He ministered to a person. He never pushed away sinners and turned his back on them. And by sinner I mean anyone living and breathing, because by God's standards we've all sinned, you know. Jesus pulled them in to His embrace, let them wash His feet, He washed their feet, He ate dinner with them, He shared life together with them. He didn't hate them and push them away. He didn't say "because you don't meet up to God's standards, I'm going to turn my nose up at you and walk the other way." NO! Never! He addressed the person and their needs.
So if going to Starbucks means doing life with people who aren't quite "perfect," let me in the doors! And if my going to Starbucks means you don't want to be my friend anymore because I'm "supporting a company that supports gay marriage," then sayonara! :)
My brethren, do not hold your faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ with an attitude of personal favoritism. For if a man comes into your assembly with a gold ring and dressed in fine clothes, and there also comes in a poor man in dirty clothes, and you pay special attention to the one who is wearing the fine clothes, and say, “You sit here in a good place,” and you say to the poor man, “You stand over there, or sit down by my footstool,” have you not made distinctions among yourselves, and become judges with evil motives? Listen, my beloved brethren: did not God choose the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him? But you have dishonored the poor man. Is it not the rich who oppress you and personally drag you into court? Do they not blaspheme the fair name by which you have been called?
If, however, you are fulfilling the royal law according to the Scripture, “YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF,” you are doing well. But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors. For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles in one point, he has become guilty of all. For He who said, “DO NOT COMMIT ADULTERY,” also said, “DO NOT COMMIT MURDER.” Now if you do not commit adultery, but do commit murder, you have become a transgressor of the law. So speak and so act as those who are to be judged by the law of liberty. For judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy; mercy triumphs over judgment.
*sorry if this post is a bit scattered or lacking in complete sentences/thoughts... I'm not quite caffeinated yet this morning :) but I hope my point has gotten across
Thursday, March 8, 2012
I'm not saying I'm wrong.
I'm not saying YOU are right or wrong.
I'm simply expressing my opinion, or a thought that I may not even totally agree with, but just want to throw out there because it's DIFFERENT.
Apparently, people don't like different.
Why is it always the people wanting to be RIGHT that comment? I know where you're coming from, I've been that person, always wanting to set people in the "right". What is right anyway, in matters of opinion?
I am honestly getting a little tired of making a comment on a matter, especially anything with any possibility of being a political, religious, or social matter, and getting told how incorrect I am and how I'm not seeing the full picture and how I've got to believe this other thing about it, and honestly I'm just sick of it. The truth of the matter is, I see things the way the majority see them. And then I look at it from a different angle. Why? Because I want to know what it means, what is going on, what runs beneath the surface in its veins. And apparently that makes me dangerous. Because I'm challenging ideas that people have and are comfortable in. I admit, I like to press buttons sometimes just to see what happens. Maybe not the best trait to have, or the safest form of amusement (Lord knows when I had more buttons to be pressed, I might have bit a few heads of, or wanted to beat them off with my fists... and I'm sure there are still some buttons left that have just been laid dormant a while), but it's something that I do. And sometimes it's not even intentional. It just comes from how I look at things.
I am what I am, whether you like it or not. You can take me or leave me. I don't cater to insecurities, and I don't give in to pity. My heart is not hard or harsh, she is simply fierce, and most people truly don't know what to do with that. That's all.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Then I had another realization - this guy must be having a sucky morning if he's going to ignore someone with their turn signal on. I mean, when you're running late or having a sucky day, do you want to let someone in ahead of you? No. Your primary concern is numero uno. I get it. I've been there. Sometimes I camp out there and think I need to start paying rent....
So this morning I did something a little different... I forgave the man for not letting me in, then I prayed a prayer of blessing over him (going something like "Holy Spirit, get him with your goodness!") - the kind of blessing I would want someone to pray for ME if I was having a sucky morning!
I don't know if this fella's day got any better or not, but I know my Daddy is faithful and the hounds of heaven have been set out after this guy. I know this because they've been after me for years and most days I end up beneath their paws, smothered in happy kisses. And you know, I would wish that on ANYBODY!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
That moment when you realize you can look in the mirror and declare "You are BEAUTIFUL!" and really believe it... you're no longer having to say it to convince yourself...
That moment when you realize your language has changed because of the things you have gone through and been trained up in... that it's really sticking...
That moment when you're in the middle of being walked through something you thought you didn't have the balance or foresight to get yourself out of and realize the one leading you isn't dragging you through like they used to have to do, but you're walking through it with them and seeing what they're seeing...
That moment when goodbye isn't a farewell, but a sending.
That moment when community and family become synonymous.
That moment when your heart is full and you can't help but smile because you know God isn't lying when he says "I've got this."
Thank you, Papa/Jesus/Holy Spirit, for the ridiculous lavish amazingness of life :)