Saturday, August 4, 2012

Grace, Love, and the state of being undeserving

I'm typing this entry on my brand new Macbook Air. It was waiting for me on my bed upon returning home from a business trip last night. I didn't do anything to get this computer. I didn't earn money to pay for it. I didn't even ask for it. My old laptop was on it's last legs, so I was in need of a new computer, but I had no idea I could have something so amazing. I had an old desktop up at my folks' that I was going to retrieve on my next trip to see them. That was what I was going to use. But before that could happen, this did. I am in complete awe. It was given anonymously, so I don't even have anyone to thank, except God. I am dumbfounded.

I realize how much performance mentality still resides within me when I'm given something. And I think that is contributing to my dumbfounded state. I have no idea what to do with this! I mean, when you still have that desire to perform, feeling like your worth is built on how well you live, and you can't even respond to the person by living well because you don't know who they are, that's a monkey wrench in the UGBs, ya know? Ha! Just being real here. That's one UGB that I'm desperate to get rid of (UGB = UnGodly Belief, in case you're not familiar with that term. It is something we believe to be true because of our experience, but is actually not a true reflection of the reality of things... the true reality is a GB, or Godly Belief, which needs to be received). 

Another area of my life where I have felt for so long like I need to perform to be worth something is my body. I have struggled for a long time with my weight, and have hated my body and hated myself for not being able to lose weight and get down to a healthier, more comfortable weight for myself. This is also a work in progress within myself. I did have a revy a couple weeks ago that I remind myself of every few days, and need to remind myself of every day, and that is that I didn't do anything to get this body, I didn't do anything to become me. I was given this body, this personality, this life. And I have a responsibility to take care of her and maintain her, but I didn't do anything to get here. It's taken me 27 years for that to hit and it hasn't really begun to sink all the way in yet. 

I am not my own, I was bought with a price, I was chosen before the foundation of the world. I am beautiful, I am amazing, I am a wonder of God's own creation, and I can't take a lick of responsibility for it! I didn't create me! I am blessed and lovely. I am me. 

I don't have all the answers for how I'm supposed to respond to any of this. The best thing I can think of is to give thanks. Give thanks for the grace (an undeserved gift, not given on the basis of performance, but freely) and love (the kind that is without condition, not dependent on my actions or abilities - agape love) that I have received... and be in this moment and enjoy it (our doing flows from our being... but that's another blog for another time, I need sleep!)