I just got back from seeing Natalie Merchant perform at the Schermerhorn Symphony right here in Nashville. Oh. My. Word. Beautiful!
Natalie's songs have always stirred up something inside me. From "Kind & Generous" which I remember seeing a music video for as a kid, long after knowing the song, and loving the carnival theme (and it was a "Pop Up Video" so they popped different translations of "thank you" during the end of the song), to "Carnival" and "Wonder" and "Jealousy" to songs back in her 10,000 Maniacs days, like "Because The Night" and "These Are Days". Something about her voice and her style is just so enchanting and melodic and beautiful.
Recently, I rediscovered "Wonder" in particular. Recently being it very well may have been a year ago! I just know, when I re-discovered it, I changed the ringtone on my phone as a reminder to myself, and it's been this song for a long while now.
I don't remember what it was that struck me. Maybe it was a prophetic word I had received. Or just a shift in my mindset about myself. But whatever it was, thank God for it.
I had never had the greatest self image in my life. As a kid, I grew up thinking I was fat, shy, and not sure if I'd ever amount to much of anything because of this. I had so many insecurities as "pets" I could have populate a zoo. Now, of course, these things didn't sound so blatantly obvious in my head. I couldn't separate the insecurities I had picked up throughout the years from my true identity for so long.
Enter: Encounter Weekends and SOZO ministry.
Thank God I moved to Nashville. Thank God for a friend who believed in me and dragged me down here. Okay, so she didn't drag me, I wanted to get out of Indiana and experience something different and get out on my own. I'll spare all the details, because it's 11pm on a Sunday night and I do want to get some sleep at some point before going to work tomorrow. But suffice to say, an Encounter Weekend with the young adult group at (my now home church) Grace Center, changed my life forever. It's a weekend of "getting rid of the junk" - which basically is you learn about what it means to hold on to bitterness and why that's so bad for you, and then you get to let go of it through a verbal, out loud, renouncing of it. Or you learn what an Ungodly Belief (aka UGB, something you believe that God didn't teach you nor is it His character) looks like and how to get rid of that and get Godly Beliefs. You also get to deal with the really "deep" stuff, like sexual sin. Doesn't that sound like a brilliantly fun weekend? Okay, so maybe it's a little intense and you want to be prepared with some tissues and maybe take a day off work to process it all... but it's worth even the seemingly awkward moments.
And then there's SOZO, which is somewhat similar to what happens during an Encounter Weekend, but is within a two-hour(ish) timespan with you and two SOZO ministers. The Greek word "Sozo" means "saved, healed, delivered" and that's what this is all about. It's a dialogue with God, basically. Going deep into the roots of things that are holding you back, and praying through them. Some great info on it can be found here: http://bethelsozo.com/
Anyway. Where was I going? Oh yeah. After some much needed ministry, and a new roommate who wouldn't allow me to wallow in self pity or lies about myself, I somehow re-discovered "Wonder".
They say I must be one of the wonders
Of God's own creation
And as far as they can see they can offer
No explanation
O, I believe
Fate smiled and destiny
Laughed as she came to my cradle
Know this child will be able
Laughed as my body she lifted
Know this child will be gifted
With love, with patience and with faith
She'll make her way
People see me
I'm a challenge to your balance
I'm over your heads
How I confound you and astound you
To know I must be one of the wonders
Of God's own creation
And as far as you can see you can offer me
No explanation
I realized this is a beautiful song all about my identity. Not just mine, but yours, too. I listened to this song on repeat for days. Changed it to my ringtone on my phone. Stared at the lyrics until they became ingrained in my head, in my heart, in my soul. I realized, finally, for the first time in my life, I am a "wonder" of God's creation. People in the charismatic circles talk about "signs and wonders" all the time. Yeah? Well, I'm a wonder! You're a wonder! Do you know what it means to "wonder" at something, or to be a "wonder"? It means this is something that brings a sense of awe, that they don't quite understand, that they're definitely intrigued by, and that they thus can't explain.
I realized through this (not just the song but all the inner healing ministry that was happening - honestly a lot of it looked like me in my bedroom wailing at God and trying trying trying to understand it all) that I am beautiful, that I am unique, that I truly am a Wonder of God's own creation. Somewhere along the way, I also realized that though I gained a lot of weight as I entered my teen years (perhaps because I believed the lie that I was "fat" from a much earlier time) I never was "fat" as a young child. While I was bigger than all the other girls in my class, that was simply because I was "bigger" - meaning I'm now 5'7" and they're probably mostly around 5'0" - 5'4". It's a difference in genetics that, as a child, was impossible to understand, and coupled with the childish desire to insult others that look different (another day another blog) became somewhat of a curse. Thank God curses are breakable.
Yes, I must be one of the wonders of God's own creation. I am beautiful. It took nigh 26 years of life for me to begin to realize this.
So, if you want to know a little bit of your identity, who you really are in God's eyes... go listen to "Wonder". Here, I'll help you out with that:
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