Last night's dream

Last night I had a dream where (the only part I can remember) I was in this lobby/waiting room where there was a man being booked for a crime. I remember I had just been talking with this man and when they asked him to sign the papers for the booking, and I saw that he was going to be taken away, I asked if I could pray for him. So I prayed. I wrapped my arms around him and prayed. I felt Holy Spirit so strongly upon me and within me. I put my hand over this man's heart and spoke forgiveness and the compassion of God over him. Even if he was going to be locked up for a long time, even if he did something bad, he needed to know God's love. It didn't matter what he did. It didn't matter what the consequences were. He still needed to know the love of God and carry that with him into that place of consequence.

The sky is falling

So a couple of nights ago (Sunday night, to be exact) I had an interesting dream. I believe the meaning is personal, not corporate, but may share some details of the interpretation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was driving my car down a highway, and my friend Grace was riding with me. In my center console was something that was like two bottles shaped in a Yin Yang sort of style to fit together. One was black and labeled "Night," the other was silver and labeled "Day". They both absorbed some kind of liquid picked up when the car was running. Grace told me I needed to empty the "Night" bottle, so I picked it up and squeezed the dark, chunky/gunky liquid out the window (still driving! haha!). I was a little worried it might be corrosive if it hit my car, but knew I needed to get it emptied out anyway.

:cut to:
I've exited the car and now I'm walking with a group of people, maybe three or four people, along the highway. Except, I was walking fast (like I do in real life) so I was a little bit ahead of them. Suddenly, a piece of the sky fell. In the moment, I just knew that the sky was falling. Well, the sky looked like concrete and rebar when it hit the ground. It was a little startling, but we kept walking. I could see another portion start to fall and I ran ahead of where it was going to land and it fell behind me, between me and my friends. I laughed and kept going. My friends I think probably thought I was crazy, but we walked on. This happened a few times.

:cut to:
I'm walking into my parents' house with my twin sister. Except it's the house we used to live in when I was a teenager. It was late and my parents were going to bed. Perhaps dad was already asleep since I don't recall seeing him in the dream. My mom was laying in the bed that used to be where I slept. My sister and I were going to share her (my sister's) bed. As we walked in to the bedroom, a bit of sky fell  - boom! - right in the middle of the hallway! I was surprised, and apologized for the damage to the house (as if I have any control of where the sky is going to fall??). Mom said "don't worry about it, but be ready - the reporters are going to want to interview us about it." I think I responded with "ok" and proceeded to get ready for bed - it was late, too late for even the late news to be on. I laid down and then realized I wasn't wearing the pajamas I intended on wearing, so I got up to change. Then my alarm went off...
~~~~~~~~~~~~

There you go. Sky falling. I kind of want to go see the new James Bond flick because the name is so similar to the theme of my dream!

Interp.

part 1
A car typically points to ministry. Night and Day seemed to be referring to light and darkness, and the drastic difference between the two. My friend Grace was, in this dream, a personification of God's grace, His charis. In a different term, it was loving-kindness/favor instructing me to clean out any resemblance of darkness from my ministry/walk with God.

part 2
Friends are the people you have fellowship with. Walking ahead could mean leading, or possibly separated from. My friend Ginny when she read a blip of the dream I'd posted on Facebook said "the constructs of man have fallen and you can enjoy the benefits of an open heaven...." I would tend to agree with her. Over the previous weekend/week I had some experiences that pointed full force toward open heaven/destruction of man-made limits. The destruction of limits wasn't going to destroy me - I was in motion and moving ahead of the destruction of it so it wouldn't hurt me.

part 3
I can't share this portion on here just yet...


So. There you have it. The sky is falling. And I can't wait.
That was a pretty rockin awesome dream, too. Felt like a movie but in reality. Ha! Love it :)

fall cleaning

For the first time in... MONTHS... all my clothes are put away, the laundry basket has dirty laundry in it - not clean clothes that I've not bothered to hang while the dirty laundry lies on the floor of the closet - and I can actually close my closet door. This is progress. Considering over the last few months I'd either been traveling, battling sinus/cold/bronchitis junk, or just plain not feeling like I had any control over anything anymore.
There's a lot more to be done yet - like re-organizing my art supplies that seem to have exploded all over my room. And figuring out how to clean up the mess of a closet that has spewed half it's contents on the floor.
I re-organized my room last spring so I could have floor space, and since that re-organization, I've not had any floor space! At least, not for very long. So this needs to change. Hopefully I can make some more progress on it tomorrow night. Including taking a trip to the Goodwill. Partially to take things and get rid of them, and partially to look for a few new clothes. I realize I have maybe three to five shirts that I wear constantly... Maybe. So, new season, time to go shopping. Also, time to get a haircut... Need to get some shape back in that mess.

Anyway. Enough rambling, it's time for sleep :)

Gypsy Queen

I wear a scarf and cloak
Just like a gypsy queen.
With my cut-off gloves
I'm sure I was a scene.

But I'm walking now
In newfound dignity.
This is something you
Can't take away from me.

Fighting

If you remember, my last blog was about workouts and change...

Two days away from the end of the month and I think I managed to do three workouts total this whole month.

It's REALLY hard not to get completely discouraged by this.

But I can't let myself go there. I've got to keep pressing on. This month has been HARD. Learning new things. Going through junk. Getting my creativity back. Working some overtime. Waiting on change...

Friends, hold me accountable. I need to avoid fried foods, soda, and sweets like the plague. And I need to make sure I move every day. I am so tired of where I've been physically, but I can't seem to make the changes I need to make on my own.

This means when I go out to eat with you (and when I go out to eat on my own, of course), I won't be eating french fries, burgers, "crunchy shrimp" sushi (this is a favorite), donuts, tempura chicken of any kind, or any other thing that has been deep fried.

This means my portion sizes have to change - drastically. I've said this before but I get discouraged or I get hormonal and it all seems to go down the drain.

It's not that I don't know how to eat healthy or anything like that. It's that I don't have the confidence in my ability to follow through with it... So often I get on a kick for a couple weeks and then there's a month (or two or three) of nothing but bad habits. And it's worse because I know its bad, and then I just hate that I can't get it right.

I'm done.

It's time for sleep. I'm working both Saturday and Sunday, of my own volition, and Monday is a new month... I'll be making another update sometime next week... maybe not on blogger, but definitely on Twitter/Facebook/Instagram - one or all of those, perhaps.

New month, new beginnings, 30 days to Change

Today I completed this workout from the Tumblr page Back On Pointe. I re-pinned the full workout list (a different workout for each day) a while back, but hadn't really done anything with it yet. Last night, fed up at where I've been physically, I wrote all the workouts out by hand and taped them up on the back of my bedroom door. I can close my door and read the workouts as I do them. This was a good re-start for me. I added in my 12lb SPRI Kettleball during the squats, Russian twists and lunges (I skipped it on the side lunges, though). And let me tell you, "bird dogs" are no joke! About ten in I was like "you mean I've got to do ten more of these?!" It looks so simple - get down on all fours, raise left arm/right leg and then alternate, that's one rep. I did 20 of those suckers. I almost stopped 15 in because I was about to laugh out loud at how deceiving these are!

Anyway, I can't wait to see if I can truly get this into my every day routine. It will mean waking up earlier. Not spending so much time on my phone in a numb state of grogginess when I first wake up, but getting my ass out of bed, getting my workout gear on, and going for it.

Even on Monday.

Especially on Monday...

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me... Including this. 30 days. The month of September is going to be pivotal, it's going to be a month of change. It's going to be a month of making this a habit. This workout thing. It's got to be a lifestyle. I am 27 years old, standing in at 5'7" and weigh 215lbs... I'm tired of hating myself and not being comfortable with myself because of my weight.  I'm tired of feeling tired all the time. I'm tired of the self-pity. It stops here. Changing life habits is not easy... but I can't go on like I'm going and expect anything to be different. This has to happen. It starts now. Because I know what I am made for and it's not what I am now. Like Kim Clement says, God sees you in the future and you look much better than you look right now. Well, I'm gonna draw my future self into the present... She's eager to be known.

Grace, Love, and the state of being undeserving

I'm typing this entry on my brand new Macbook Air. It was waiting for me on my bed upon returning home from a business trip last night. I didn't do anything to get this computer. I didn't earn money to pay for it. I didn't even ask for it. My old laptop was on it's last legs, so I was in need of a new computer, but I had no idea I could have something so amazing. I had an old desktop up at my folks' that I was going to retrieve on my next trip to see them. That was what I was going to use. But before that could happen, this did. I am in complete awe. It was given anonymously, so I don't even have anyone to thank, except God. I am dumbfounded.

I realize how much performance mentality still resides within me when I'm given something. And I think that is contributing to my dumbfounded state. I have no idea what to do with this! I mean, when you still have that desire to perform, feeling like your worth is built on how well you live, and you can't even respond to the person by living well because you don't know who they are, that's a monkey wrench in the UGBs, ya know? Ha! Just being real here. That's one UGB that I'm desperate to get rid of (UGB = UnGodly Belief, in case you're not familiar with that term. It is something we believe to be true because of our experience, but is actually not a true reflection of the reality of things... the true reality is a GB, or Godly Belief, which needs to be received). 

Another area of my life where I have felt for so long like I need to perform to be worth something is my body. I have struggled for a long time with my weight, and have hated my body and hated myself for not being able to lose weight and get down to a healthier, more comfortable weight for myself. This is also a work in progress within myself. I did have a revy a couple weeks ago that I remind myself of every few days, and need to remind myself of every day, and that is that I didn't do anything to get this body, I didn't do anything to become me. I was given this body, this personality, this life. And I have a responsibility to take care of her and maintain her, but I didn't do anything to get here. It's taken me 27 years for that to hit and it hasn't really begun to sink all the way in yet. 

I am not my own, I was bought with a price, I was chosen before the foundation of the world. I am beautiful, I am amazing, I am a wonder of God's own creation, and I can't take a lick of responsibility for it! I didn't create me! I am blessed and lovely. I am me. 

I don't have all the answers for how I'm supposed to respond to any of this. The best thing I can think of is to give thanks. Give thanks for the grace (an undeserved gift, not given on the basis of performance, but freely) and love (the kind that is without condition, not dependent on my actions or abilities - agape love) that I have received... and be in this moment and enjoy it (our doing flows from our being... but that's another blog for another time, I need sleep!)